


Priorities

by drywitticisms



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Ableist Language, F/M, Mental Anguish, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 04:44:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12028374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drywitticisms/pseuds/drywitticisms
Summary: Naomi Nagata makes an interesting discovery about the man she loves.





	Priorities

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot touches on PTSD - specifically Holden's PTSD as a result of what happened on Eros. This will mainly delve into Naomi's POV, and how she feels about what's happening with Holden. This is set sometime during S2. 
> 
> I say all that to say this - I'm not sure what anyone's triggers are, and I don't want to be responsible for any issues that may stem from reading something like this. Although I will tell you guys that this is pretty tame in the grand scheme of things, I still feel like I need to insert this warning here just in case.

She didn't recognize the man she loved.

The slightly naive Earther who was weird & chatty under pressure was nowhere to be found.

The witty do-gooder who never shot anyone in his entire life was suddenly giving Amos a run for his money in the trigger-happy department. 

It's not that she didn't understand why he needed to destroy the protomolecule and everyone that had anything to do with the creation of it. She understood that part just fine.

She could relate to wanting to atone for your sins in an effort to fix what you've done, but this was trickling over into more dangerous territory. 

Naomi and Holden had different perspectives on how to deal with the current crisis, which caused the present rift to form between them like a huge, gaping chasm.

She never entertained the idea of breaking up with him; that was completely out of the question, but she did choose to spend less time with him. She just needed to spend enough time away from him so she wouldn't accidentally say the wrong thing out of anger and end up regretting it. She didn't want to hurt Jim, but she felt like he was intentionally trying her patience for some reason.

Whenever they weren't off on the _Roci_ saving the world again or on a mission for Fred Johnson, she would spend all her time with Drummer.

She loved Holden, but she didn't know how to be around him anymore, and she needed that familiarity and comfort that came from being around people that were like her.

It was hard being the only Belter in their little family. She had Miller for a while and that helped her feel a little less lonely, but he was gone now.

She loved hanging out with Holden, Amos, and Alex; they were her **family** , but they weren't _Belters_. 

She just needed someone to connect with; someone who understood the language. Someone who understood what it was like growing up the way they did.

“Do you ever get lonely working for Fred and being surrounded by all those Earthers and Martians?” Naomi asked as she slid a shot glass towards her severe companion. 

Most people assumed Drummer was far too uptight to let her hair down and let loose, and they couldn't be more wrong.

Naomi experienced some of the best nights of her life with Drummer. The woman knew how to have a good time.

Drummer accepted the peace offering and held her glass up to Naomi in salute before quickly drinking it. She barely even flinched, which didn't surprise Naomi one bit.

Drummer was tough.

“Sometimes. Fred's a good man, but he spent most of his life as an Earther. You know just as well as I do that it's not quite the same; it's not like being around your own.” Drummer said. “It's not his fault that he doesn't fully understand the Belter way; he's never lived it, so he can't. But he tries, and it's why he's lived here and fought in the best interests of the Inner Planets for all these years. There is a reason I follow him; I wouldn't have followed him if I didn't believe in him and what he was doing.”

Naomi remained quiet as she mulled over Drummer’s words. She was right; and in a way, her words reminded Naomi of why she was here and why she was still standing beside Jim. Even though he was running off the rails lately.

“Why? Your boyfriend making you feel isolated?” Drummer asked breaking Naomi free from her thoughts.

“What? No! We're just having a difficult time seeing eye-to-eye right now, and it's because I'm a Belter and he's not. We grew up differently, so we see the world differently.”

“Ah, so that's why you ask? If it makes you feel any better, you can still teach him our ways. Maybe try to teach him little by little? Maybe he can understand why we Belters have so much pride in who we are. I'm certain he'll understand. He doesn't strike me as the egotistical type albeit impulsive and reckless.”

Naomi laughed, “ That he is.”

She wanted to talk things out, but she didn't know what to say. Things haven't felt right between them in quite some time. She hated this emotional distance between them, but she didn't know what to do to fix it.

She wanted to clear the air and mend what was broken. It was always so easy to talk to him before everything happened; even when they didn't like each other, he trusted her with secrets he never told anyone else and it was just easier because she knew what to expect from him back then. Now, she didn't know what he would do next and it made her feel uneasy. 

As of late, it was getting more and more difficult to just _be_ with him and she didn't understand why.

The thought forced her to take another shot to ease her nerves. 

_She could do this. Naomi Nagata never ran from a fight._

“You're absolutely right.” 

“I'm always right. Now, go talk to your impulsive boyfriend and work things out. I'll pay the tab.” Drummer replied with a smile.

Naomi nodded at her before sliding off her bar stool to walk back to their quarters. She could beat him to their cabin if she took a shortcut. 

She just hoped this worked.

****

****

* * *

****

She'd been sitting in their cabin for 20 minutes when he stumbled in.

Startled by her presence, he stopped in his tracks and stared at her with a furrowed brow. Naomi usually went to bed before he came back. She didn't want to argue anymore, so she just avoided talking to him altogether. 

“We need to talk.” Naomi replied before gesturing at the chair in front of him. “Sit.”

Hesitantly, he walked around the white armchair before plopping down into it.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“What?” Naomi asked in shock.

“Nothing. It's just an old Earth thing; if you wanted to break up with someone, that's how you'd start the conversation.”

“Well, that explains it. No wonder you're everyone so weird; it’s because everyone on Earth is weird. No, I'm not breaking up with you.”

“Well … why-” He began.

“Remember when I asked you why you were going to see that scientist before Dawes took him? And you asked how was your decision to kill him any different than what Miller did. What did you mean by that? Since when do you start equating yourself to Miller, of all people?” She replied cutting him off.

“I thought that if you could understand why Miller did it, then you wouldn't look at me differently if I did it.” Jim lowly replied. “I needed to do it, but I didn't want to change the way you looked at me.”

Naomi stared at him in shock. It never ran across her mind that he worried about what she thought of him. That was the last thing on her mind; she was more committed to bringing back the man she fell in love with than running away from him.

“Have I given you reason to think that I would?” Naomi's accented voice asked.

“No.”

“Then why? Is it because you still feel guilty about what happened on Eros?” 

“Don't you?” Jim shot back.

“Of course I do! But I don't think going around killing people will fix what I'm feeling.”

“Is that why you won't talk to me anymore? You barely even look at me unless it has something to do with the _Roci_ or a mission.” He replied. “Even then, you do everything you can to avoid being alone with me.”

Naomi remained silent, because she knew it was true. But not for the reasons he thought.

“Do you think I'm a monster? Are you afraid of me now?” He asked in a small voice.

“No. You just wouldn't listen to me! You were being short-sighted and impulsive. You could have gotten all of us killed, including yourself.”

“Naomi, I have to do this. I'm responsible for everything that's happened to us, and I have to fix it.” 

Naomi scoffed at the fact she still hadn't gotten through to him.

“Is this vendetta really worth losing everything? The _Roci_ , the crew, **_me_**?”

Jim just looked at her before standing to his feet. Dropping to his knees in front of where she sat in their bunk, he grabbed her face as he searched her brown eyes. 

“I don't know, but I need your love and I know that I don't want to lose you.”

“You won't.” Naomi sighed as she reached up and grabbed his right hand. “But one day, you're going to have to figure it out and you're going to have to make a choice. I just hope it's the right one.”

“I'm messed up, Naomi. Sometimes, it feels like I never left Eros.” He admitted. 

“We're all screwed up because of what happened on Eros, Jim. You don’t have to shoulder the burden on your own; let us help you.”

“I can’t, because I still feel guilty. And not all of us are screwed up. You’re not screwed up; you’re perfect. Which is why I need your strength to pick me up sometimes.”

Naomi's face softened at his words. She was always taken aback by his compliments. It wasn't out of the ordinary for him to do so, but she just had a difficult time reconciling this sweet man with the man who wanted to tear her head off because she stopped them from recklessly going after an enemy ship.

Once they got passed their disdain for each other, things quickly changed.

“I'm not perfect.” Naomi whispered. “I try to do the right thing all the time, and I usually end up failing.”

“Yeah, but you're always willing to try and that counts for something.”

Naomi didn't reply as she mulled over his words, and it was in that moment that an idea came to her.

“Have you thought about seeing a therapist?” Naomi asked.

Listening to some of his answers, it wasn't out of the realm of possibility that this was a more serious response to trauma. There was something more going on with Jim than just a mild case of trauma. 

“You think I'm crazy?” Jim asked removing his hands from her face.

“Of course not! I just think what happened on Eros affected you more than you think.” She replied cupping his cheek with her now free hand. “You may be suffering from PTSD.”

He nodded at her words in agreement before speaking, “I just thought it was the effects of the radiation, at first. I was seeing things and I barely slept. When I _did_ sleep, I was right back in the belly of the beast. I would see those weird blue lights and my body wasn't my own. My hands looked like Julie's skin, and I couldn't breathe. Then we got together, and I was able to sleep again but I still didn't feel like myself. I felt like I was in the passenger's seat of my own body."

"One of the girls in my old crew, Alicia, developed PTSD after we .. after we did something horrible. She didn't share all of your symptoms but there is a slight overlap between you two. Anyway, I helped her get the help she needed before I took off. I don't know why I didn't think of this before." Naomi replied thoughtfully.

Jim didn't respond, and Naomi didn't expect him to. She just needed him to know that he wasn't alone; that he wasn't the only one that had gone through something like this. But unlike Alicia, Jim hadn't done anything wrong. He was just at the wrong place, wrong time. Naomi didn't fix people, but she knew how fragile the human brain was. And when it felt threatened as the result of major trauma, it did whatever it needed to protect itself.

“This may explain your obsession with the protomolecule, as well.” She stated finally breaking the silence.

“I still think we should get rid of it, but you're not entirely wrong about me. In my head, I just always thought that if I got rid of it, I could finally leave Eros.”

“I understand, but getting you help is our first priority. You say you need my strength to pick you up sometimes, but we need your strength to make the tough decisions as our captain sometimes too. We believe in you, and we trust in you. We know what we signed up for.” Naomi explained. "All of us **want** to be here."

She watched as his entire body relaxed under the blanket of her words. She knew it was only a matter of time before they could get back to this place - this calmness.

Reaching forward, Naomi wrapped her thin arms around his neck to further drive her point home. She wasn't going anywhere; she didn't want to. This was just a minor bump in the road, and they would get through this like they did with everything else. After holding her breath for a few seconds, she finally gave in when Jim returned the hug and wrapped his arms around her as he buried his nose into her neck.

"Just because I like you again doesn't mean you're off the hook, Mister. You still have to make it up to me." Naomi joked.

"I promise I will; I don't want you to ever feel like you can't talk to me, because we're in this together." Jim replied seriously.

Naomi couldn't help the smile that stretched across her face. It was almost like she'd finally got him back. Maybe she did, but only time would tell.

They always bumped heads and disagreed about which decision was the right one when it came to saving their family and the world, but they loved each other. That wouldn't change, and it made Naomi feel better knowing they've discussed it and got it all out in the open.

Their love for each other was enough to help them get through anything; it was even enough for them to take on the world as long as they did it as a **team**.

As the world crumbles around them, that’s all that really matters.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what do you guys think? If you love it, let me know! If you hate it, keep it to yourself. :P I'm just kidding! (Kinda)
> 
> Fun fact - I discovered this show just last week, and I've already rewatched both seasons DOZENS of times. I love Naomi, I love Holden, and I love Nolden. But this show is even great outside of my love for Nolden, and I can appreciate that. Do you know how rare that is? Some shows only have the chemistry of their lead couple going for them. Some shows literally cannot keep their heads above water without having a bomb ass lead couple to keep the ship (no pun intended) afloat. The characters are bland, and the story doesn't make any sense. But that's not the case with The Expanse; the other characters & the story are good outside of Nolden too, and that makes me happy. 
> 
> P.S. I never read the books, but does Drummer exist in the books? If so, what in the WORLD is her first name?


End file.
